It Gets Better video for parents with Trans kids

I like that this video shows happy, healthy kids with families that made it through trans.  I also like that they spoke about the fear of not knowing what other people's reactions will be, because really that's been the scariest part for me.  There's so much fear around what others think and how that might impact me or my person...for me the relationship I have with him and how much I care about him has showed me that what he's doing is what is right for him and it shouldn't have anything to do with what other people think or want for him.

I also like that there is a mention of not blaming parents or lifestyle factors.  Being "transgendered" is not something that happens to you, gender is just who you are.  There aren't definitive causes, it's simply another way of being in the world.  Most of the other trans kids interviews and specials have had the "trapped in the wrong body" logic...that transgender kids and people are simply trapped and need to be freed. I don't think that's always true.

For many trans folks there is a strong discomfort in their body and disconnection.  For others, I think it's simply a matter of feeling one way and having the body do something that disagrees with that feeling.  For me, it's been helpful to equate this with my own struggle with weight or body image (although completely different, I just like to make connections to my own experience to better understand).

I am not stuck in the wrong body because my body doesn't look how I want it to or because society tells me it should look differently...I am living in this body and there are certain steps that I can take in order to help my body allign with my identity (exercising, clothing choices, or eating healthier, etc) to feel more authentic and comfortable in my own skin.

A fluid expression: building a better trans narrative

Click here for a GREAT article showcasing some trans people and their very different experiences.

What is Cisgender Privilege

I just wrote a post examining gender vs. sex (read here) so for this post I wanted to strictly focus on what it means to be cisgender (cis) and what privileges come from that experience.

What does cisgender mean?  It's a word for the "norm".  This word describes the people in the world who feel that their gender identity is congruent with the sex they were assigned at birth.  For cisgender people sex & gender are connected and some may even say they are the same thing.

I was assigned female at birth and I have no doubt in my mind that I am 100% woman.  I may choose to adopt some masculine qualities or behaviors or reject some feminine roles but deep down inside I know that the word woman feels right for me.

This all comes back to privilege (an advantage granted or available only to one person or group of people).  Because I am cisgender there are certain things in life that I do not have to think about, that I do not have to worry about, or that I have never even noticed because I don't have to.

Cigender Privilege Checklist
Author unknown.
Based on Peggy McIntosh's White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

1. Strangers don't assume they can ask me what my genitals look like and how I have sex.
2. My validity as a man/woman/human is not based upon how much surgery I've had or how well I "pass" as a non-Trans person.
3. When initiating sex with someone, I do not have to worry that they won't be able to deal with my parts or that having sex with me will cause my partner to question his or her own sexual orientation.
4. I am not excluded from events which are either explicitly or de facto men-born-men or women-born-women only.
5. My politics are not questioned based on the choices I make with regard to my body.
6. I don't have to hear "so have you had THE surgery?" or "oh, so you're REALLY a [incorrect sex or gender]?" each time I come out to someone.
7. I am not expected to constantly defend my medical decisions.
8. Strangers do not ask me what my "real name" [birth name] is and then assume that they have a right to call me by that name.
9. People do not disrespect me by using incorrect pronouns even after they've been corrected.
10. I do not have to worry that someone wants to be my friend or have sex with me in order to prove his or her "hipness" or good politics.
11. I do not have to worry about whether I will be able to find a bathroom to use or whether I will be safe changing in a locker room.
12. When engaging in political action, I do not have to worry about the gendered repercussions of being arrested. (i.e. what will happen to me if the cops find out that my genitals do not match my gendered appearance? Will I end up in a cell with people of my own gender?)
13. I do not have to defend my right to be a part of "Queer" and gays and lesbians will not try to exclude me from OUR movement in order to gain political legitimacy for themselves.
14. My experience of gender (or gendered spaces) is not viewed as "baggage" by others of the gender in which I live.
15. I do not have to choose between either invisibility ("passing") or being consistently "othered" and/or tokenised based on my gender.
16. I am not told that my sexual orientation and gender identity are mutually exclusive.
17. When I go to the gym or a public pool, I can use the showers.
18. If I end up in the emergency room, I do not have to worry that my gender will keep me from receiving appropriate treatment nor will all of my medical issues be seen as a product of my gender. ("Your nose is running and your throat hurts? Must be due to the hormones!")
19. My health insurance provider (or public health system) does not specifically exclude me from receiving benefits or treatments available to others because of my gender.
20. When I express my internal identities in my daily life, I am not considered "mentally ill" by the medical establishment.
21. I am not required to undergo extensive psychological evaluation in order to receive basic medical care.
22. The medical establishment does not serve as a "gatekeeper" which disallows self-determination of what happens to my body.
23. People do not use me as a scapegoat for their own unresolved gender issues.

Here's an even more in depth of cisgender privileges from t-vox.org

A Letter to My Love.

Dear Love,

Yesterday you called to schedule a haircut and you told the receptionist your name.  You weren't sure if they would believe you when you walked in because this boy name is still new.  They didn't question your name but they charged you the price of the "woman's haircut".

You were in a room of 35 people for an educational workshop and you were asked to make a name tag.  You made one with your new boy name and when it was your turn to speak you introduced yourself quickly, but proudly.  We're going to keep that name tag since it's your first.

We went out for a drink with friends and you leaned over to shake someone's hand.  "Hi, my name's A...uh..."  You stumbled over the words a bit.  It will take all of us a little while to get used to it.

Each day brings a new experience.  I want to remember these brief little moments because someday they will be a distant memory.  Something that will make us smile when we remember how it was in the beginning.

Yesterday we had a lazy Saturday.  We have been running around, exhausted and overwhelmed...full of emotions and feeling disconnected. We needed that Saturday. We spent hours together, just relaxing and enjoying good company.  Today is our 1 year anniversary.  Thank you for an amazing year.

Heart,
Me

Grieving What Might Have Been

Photo from: arfa-ezazi.blogspot.com

For SOFFAs (Significant others, family, friends & allies) of people in transition, the process can feel like it's moving very quickly and there may be a lot of doubts or questions.  Something I have found with talking to my partner is that this process of transitioning is not new...the thoughts of physical changes and name changes and lifestyle changes...many of them have been recurring thoughts and dreams and ideas that never seemed possible or were never said out loud.  It's not new to him, it's new to me.

Transitioning is a huge process for everyone involved.  For me, the life that I had imagined or day dreamed about now has a different feel.  My partner will still be there but when I introduce him to family and friends he hasn't yet met or when we travel together and explore new lands or when we move into a new community ... it will look different.  This isn't better or worse for me, just different.

For others, this process can be much more difficult.  For instance, my partner's family has known him for 25 years as she, as daughter or niece or sister...this comes with ideas about what the future will look like.  Although the person they love is still there, in some ways they are losing a daughter and gaining a son.  Visions of wedding dresses and pregnant bellies and sisterly bonds and strong female lineage are now shifting and changing into something new.  With that there is pain and sadness and confusion and that is completely natural.  

For SOFFAs, grieving the loss of what might have been 

must happen in order to fully and truly accept the process.

Gender vs. Sex

Sex & Gender. They are not the same (if you don't believe me prepare to undo everything you know about gender and sex).

Sex: Refers to physical aspects of the body: chromosomes, genitals and hormones.

Gender: The meaning culturally imposed on physical sex characteristics.

In most cases, sex is assigned at birth - male or female - based on genitalia. There is no denying this.

From day one infants are treated in certain ways according to their sex - the toys that they are given, the colors they are dressed in, the way they are spoken to and they way they are spoken about. This is all about society's expectations, norms and assumptions about what it means to have female or male genitalia. For most people, this feels OK most of the time and natural so there is no reason to question the fact that female = being a girl or a woman and male = being a man or a boy.

For others, the sex assigned to them at birth feels limiting or all together incorrect. Many people make changes to their outer appearance to express their gender differently - clothing, haircuts, even taking hormones or having surgery. Gender is all about the soul and the brain - how one thinks, feels, and acts in relation to masculinity and femininity.

This still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to some folks who do feel like their sex and gender align. One way I've heard this talked about before is by separating sex and gender for a cisgender person. For instance, if a cisgender man is wounded in battle and loses his genitalia, is he still considered a man? He acts like a man, thinks like a man, talks like a man and lives as a man...but he doesn't have a penis...even without this major sex organ, his gender would be clear.

And a woman who has a hysterectomy and both breasts removed after a battle with cancer. Is she no longer a woman? Would you question her gender because she has a flat chest and is no longer able to experience "womanly" things like having a period or birthing children? Absolutely not.

Why then - if someone who does not have a penis also wants to live like a man, dress like a man, talk like a man, and feels intrinsically male - would anyone deny the same basic right of living fully and authentically? Whose to say that they are not male or masculine or "allowed" to explore their identity however they see fit?

Sex and gender are related but they are by no means bound to one another for all of eternity.

I'm also confused about why cisgender people think that there is some fool proof way to have any idea about genitalia...you may know dozens of trans people who you have assumed to be cisgender. And why the need to ask or categorize in the first place?  Why does anyone else's gender have any impact on you what-so-ever?  The next time you find yourself wondering..."is that person a man or a woman?" stop yourself and try to figure out why it matters.
 

Break it Down.

I am a visual person.  I have had this visual in my head for weeks and finally decided to create it.  I think things get complicated when examining gender and sexuality.  I want to identify that gender identity, sexual orientation and relationship style are obviously related but are very separate things.

Click on the image to make it larger (and notice your own assumptions about the gender of each figure ... even my partner said "why did you make the last couple straight?" and I said, "I didn't. That's us."

1. Gender - How I intrinsically relate to masculinity & femininity.  One's gender identity may or may not fit into the gender binary of "boy" or "girl" & it can be fluid over time. A person's gender identity does not always correspond with the sex that is assigned at birth based on chromosomes, hormones & genitals. 

Examples (taken from definitions list) - Transgender, Cisgender, Genderqueer, etc.

 

2. Sexual Orientation - Intellectual, emotional and/or sexual attraction to others of the same or different gender identity.  This is not defined by gender identity or relationship practices and may change over time.

For example, a bisexual woman does not become straight if she is in relationship with a man - her sexual orientation remains the same - she may currently choose to be in a monogamous relationship with one person who happens to be a man.  (At least this is true for me, this may not be true for others)

Sexual orientation and gender are both intrinsic senses of self - a person's gender identity does not determine their sexuality or vice versa.  There are no limits to the way individuals may express their gender identity or their sexual orientation - it all comes down to how that person feels.

Examples (taken from definitions list) - Lesbian, Heterosexual, Bisexual, etc.

 

3. Relationships - How a person chooses to make contact with people they are attracted to. This may include one partner, multiple partners, or no partners and it may or may not include sexual behavior.  A person's relationship choices do not reflect their sexual orientation or gender identity in any way.

Examples - Monogamy, Polyamory, Non-Monogamy, etc.

Slow Down.

Today is the first day I have felt overwhelm.  I'm good at being strong, good at being supportive, good at finding information and solutions and ways to understand.  I'm not so good at struggle.

Although my journey looks very different from his, it is no less real and it is not going to be easy.  He is transitioning, I am transitioning, we are transitioning.  Today I was supposed to attend a symposium on gender identity & trans issues.  I would have had to go alone and I wasn't ready to enter the space.

First, when I got dressed this morning I was wearing a dress, tights, and I curled my hair.  When I looked in the mirror I became aware of the potential for judgement.  Being femme in a queer environment can be challenging, and in this case I jumped to the question others might have..."what is this straight, cis woman doing here?" Without my partner by my side, I become invisible in the conversation.

Although I am not transgender, I am in the middle of a huge process and gender and transitioning has become the center of most conversations and free time.  Research, google, books, movies, lectures, my work, conversations with friends & my partner...  I'm breathing it, living it.

Today I'm going to stop and relax.  I have plans to take a walk outside, sip coffee, read books that do not mention gender, watch some shows on Hulu, talk to friends on the phone...reconnect with myself.  I need to maintain a space for myself....take time to breathe.

Coming Out: It's not your show.

I've really appreciated the care and thought put forth by my person when coming out and describing the experience of transitioning.  There are people that need basic definitions and a little hand-holding, there are folks that are let in on the deeper and more spiritual level of the journey, those that need no explanation at all...

With each new conversation comes new questions, new responses, new levels of understanding and it's proven to be quite empowering for my person.  Coming out is not a one-time event.  Coming out is a moment-to-moment decision as someone comes in contact with a group or individual that is not privy to their identification.  There's safety in being able to reveal your own story in the way that feels most productive and comfortable to you AND every person has the right to decided when or if they want to disclose at all.

I found a nice write up on the HRC website about coming out for trans folks.  Some things that I have found to be important when honoring your person's coming out process...

• Don't assume that they will want to tell someone that you believe should know
• Just because you feel comfortable telling someone and have trust in how they will receive information does not mean that your person will feel the same
• It's not your story to tell - be respectful of what information you share with others about your person's deeply personal process
• Have a discussion around how they want to be identified in different environments (for instance, using the preferred pronoun or their chosen name in certain environments may raise questions and put them at risk for being unintentionally outed)
• Think about why you want to share information about your person's trans identity - what are you trying to achieve by speaking about their experience with someone else?
• Respect your person.  Ask them how or if they would like to be outed.

A Letter to My Love

Dear Love,

It's your birthday!  Not just any birthday, it is your first round as the birthday boi!  You have revealed your new name and are wearing it proudly.  You have opened up to being called "he".

I have been absolutely amazed at the outpouring of love and support that have come from the people you have revealed yourself to.  You are so deeply loved.  You are so beautifully held by the people you hold dear in this world.  Never forget it.

Heart,
Me

p.s. I have never seen you so touched...so moved...  Your birthday cake came out and it had your new name on it!  We sang to you and we sang your name.  It is your name.  You just stared at it and told me you couldn't believe it was real.  I will never forget that moment.

Meet John.

John just got a new job.  On his first day of work, John is called Tom by everyone he meets.  "Hello, my name is John."  "Nice to meet you, Tom."  At first John lets it slide.  "Maybe they just mixed it up this one time," he thinks to himself, "surely they'll get it right soon."  After a while it becomes more and more frustrating.

John has had enough!  He says, "Hey, my name is John!  Please do not call me Tom anymore."

Some people hear John, some even say that they'll try their best...but ultimately most people continue to say things like this...

"I know you as Tom and it would just be too confusing to change it now."
"Tom, you understand right?  Nothing personal." 
"You look more like a Tom anyway, John doesn't really suit you."
"I'm already used to calling you Tom and it would be too confusing to change now."
"Don't make a big deal out of nothing, Tom."
"Oops, sorry, Tom.  I forgot.  I'll totally remember next time."

No.  This would not be tolerated.  If someone was calling me the wrong name repeatedly I would get angry and exhausted and sad and I would eventually shut down.  It doesn't matter why the people are doing it or whether or not they're meaning to do harm...it only matters that I am now in pain and feel unseen and unheard.

Truth is, cisgender people have rarely had to question what it means to be cisgender.  I tried to think of a similar scenario would help cis people get it and this is all I could come up with.  The bottom line is simple...I have to make a conscious choice to be respectful and deliberate about using the correct pronoun with the people in my life .  I have become more aware of my own use of gender in language so I am now better equipped to make less assumptions and be more open with everyone, not just trans people (or people I assume to be trans).

Make mistakes.  Be brave.  Apologize.  Ask for guidance.  Ask how you can support.  Start over.

Pronouns - They/Them/Theirs

He/Him/His & She/Her/Hers are not the only options.  That's right, there is language beyond the gender binary.  They/Them/Their is one choice of an alternative for trans people who do not wish to use gendered pronouns. 

Sometimes it may feel counter-intuitive for a cis person to utilize They/Them/Their.  Typical responses I've heard to this request are...
1. But it's plural.
2. That is grammatically incorrect.
3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to

My responses to this...
1. But that's plural.  True, it may be used as plural but there are times when we use "their" when referring to a single person.  For instance, if you see a backpack left on the bus which is not easily identifiable as belonging to someone of a particular gender you would likely say, "Someone left their backpack."  It's not incorrect, cis people just don't use it that often because we are so accustomed to gendered language.

2. That is grammatically incorrect.  It is OK to change a sentence to be "correct".  Swapping "Is he coming tonight?" with "Is they coming tonight?" would be incorrect.  You're allowed to make other subtle changes and say "Are they coming tonight?".  This ultimately comes back to the plural sound being "weird" or confusing for cis people.

3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to.  Nope.  Sorry, not an option.  Yes, you may be used to calling someone he or she but does your comfort outweigh their discomfort when you use language that they do not identify with?  It can be invalidating, painful, and silencing when people use pronouns that do not reflect the person that's being spoken about or to. 

And because I do not believe in fixing what is not broken, I would like to share these succinct and helpful tips for respecting another person's pronoun:

Pronoun Etiquette
(written by Dean Spade) via Sylvia Rivera Law Project

People often wonder how to be polite when it comes to problems of misidentifying another person’s pronoun. Here are some general tips:
1. If you make a mistake, correct yourself. Going on as if it did not happen is actually less respectful than making the correction. This also saves the person who was misidentified from having to correct an incorrect pronoun assumption that has now been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.

2. If someone else makes a mistake, correct them. It is polite to provide a correction, whether or not the person whose pronoun as misused is present, in order to avoid future mistakes and in order to correct the mistaken assumption that might now have been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.

3. If you aren’t sure of a person’s pronoun, ask. One way to do this is by sharing your own. “I use masculine pronouns. I want to make sure to address you correctly, how do you like to be addressed?” This may seem like a strange thing to do but a person who often experiences being addressed incorrectly may see it as a sign of respect that you are interested in getting it right.

4. When facilitating a group discussion, ask people to identify their pronouns when they go around and do introductions. This will allow everyone in the room the chance to self-identify and to get each others’ pronouns right the first time. It will also reduce the burden on anyone whose pronoun is often misidentified and may help them access the discussion more easily because they do not have to fear an embarrassing mistake.

So...what do I call you?

From the beginning of our relationship there was a lot of discussions around language.  My partner didn't like female pronouns and preferred "they" for the majority of our relationship [Now my partner is going with male pronouns but we'll get to that in a minute].  As a femme cis female it was quickly obvious that the word "girlfriend" could fit.  For my gender non-conforming companion we needed to get more creative...

My person, Steady, Queerfriend, [insert name]friend, Boifriend, Constant, Current...Companion sounded too platonic. Lover seemed explicit/cheesy. Mate seemed like a primitive/biology word.  Boyfriend and girlfriend seem kind of for grown adults.  My honey or sweetie are no good (barf).  Partner sounded so official or serious (like we might as well buy a mini-van and have a couple of kids) to use early on in our relationship. 

Ultimately we decided on me being the "girlfriend" and them being...their name or...err...my partner.  That still somewhat uncomfortable decision was based solely on not having a better alternative AND wanting the simplest, easiest choice when interacting with new people (particularly hetero/cis people with no reference for queer identities).  Now we're about to move in together and we're happily committed to each other so it's a little easier to use "serious" relationship language like "my love".

*Now there's a whole new dilemma. 

I found this fabulous post that completely summed up what I was feeling when I was originally looking for words for my sweetie pie (gag).  Terms and Conditions: When a Cis Woman Dates a Trans Man.  At the time we were operating outside of the gender binary because my partner wasn't using gendered pronouns.

Now my partner dresses masculinely, is using male pronouns, and is trying on a male name.  The way I talk about my partner, the way I describe them, all of the gendered words that I put out there are up for interpretation.  As the article says, "for queer people it can feel like a choice between being in the closet or out."

BF and GF (especially GF) feel, as my person points out, prescriptive. Visions of Rory Gilmore dance in my head. And with all gender-specific terms (beau? lover boy? gentleman caller?) there’s the invisibility problem. I casually mention my boyfriend and suddenly I’m straight. Is that so terrible? Well, it makes me feel like I’m hiding my queerness — like I’m retreating into the closet. Even someone who meets me in a queer context might well assume from that word that I’m in a straight relationship. The people I meet in the rest of my life almost certainly will. “Boyfriend” and its ilk also elide part of his identity. He wants people to respect his gender (by using the right pronouns and so forth), but his ultimate goal isn’t for everyone to think he’s a cis boy. For many of the same reasons I want to be recognized as queer, to know that my identity and experiences aren’t buried beneath a heap of assumptions, he usually wants to be recognized as genderqueer. But it feels absurd—and absurdly insistent on my queerness—to talk about “my trans boyfriend,” or “my boyfriend, who’s trans,” or whatever other cumbersome construction I could invent.

I highly recommend checking out the rest of her post...and would gladly open up comments for discussion on alternative uses or views on partner language.

p.s. I have written the word "partner" on this site far too much already.  Homeslice needs a code name.

A Letter to My Love.

Dear Love,

Meeting a transman that reflects who you have imagined yourself to be has changed you.  Suddenly there is movement, possibility...you see your future and you almost believe it.  You speak of feeling good in your body, of being proud of your journey, of wanting people to know where you come from.  You don't want to let go of who you were to become who you are.  I don't think you have to.

It's not harmful or detrimental to stay in this body.  You love your body and you have made it your home.  You can go on living your life just as it is and you can be happy.  You can wear a binder and keep shopping in the boys' department without ever taking T or having surgery.  There is no right way to be trans.  No right way to be a man.

I see the possibility of physical transformation like someone who maintains fulfilling hetero relationships and never comes out as bisexual or someone who stays in a long-term marriage because they don't believe there is more for them.  You can be safe, stable, and keep to the familiar and be perfectly content.  Or, you can journey out into new territory.

You have a chance to be more alive, more whole and to reach even higher potential.  New experiences and opportunities are waiting if you choose to explore them.  You've heard that for some, the decision to transform comes from body hate or extreme discomfort or an urge that cannot be silenced.  Changing your body and your life would not be a decision made out of necessity, the change would come from a place of growth and out of a desire for greater authenticity.  Changing your body would not mean hiding who you were.  You get to decide how it's done.  And I will be right here to support you.

Heart,
Me

Let's begin.

I'm going to share some personal stories here.  I'll ask some questions, invite friends and colleagues to play along and examine ALL parts of the trans/cis relationship experience.  The celebrations, the struggles, the confusion, the joy...

Really it's about support, loyalty, advocacy, and working every day to be an ally for my partner and for other trans folks in my community. It's also about building community with other cis people who are in relationship with trans people.

I saw this great video on the Persistence Anthology tumblr not too long ago and it came to mind immediately as I was brainstorming titles for this blog.

"Hearts explode with appreciation, joy and cuteness across the interwebs."