Grieving What Might Have Been

Photo from: arfa-ezazi.blogspot.com

For SOFFAs (Significant others, family, friends & allies) of people in transition, the process can feel like it's moving very quickly and there may be a lot of doubts or questions.  Something I have found with talking to my partner is that this process of transitioning is not new...the thoughts of physical changes and name changes and lifestyle changes...many of them have been recurring thoughts and dreams and ideas that never seemed possible or were never said out loud.  It's not new to him, it's new to me.

Transitioning is a huge process for everyone involved.  For me, the life that I had imagined or day dreamed about now has a different feel.  My partner will still be there but when I introduce him to family and friends he hasn't yet met or when we travel together and explore new lands or when we move into a new community ... it will look different.  This isn't better or worse for me, just different.

For others, this process can be much more difficult.  For instance, my partner's family has known him for 25 years as she, as daughter or niece or sister...this comes with ideas about what the future will look like.  Although the person they love is still there, in some ways they are losing a daughter and gaining a son.  Visions of wedding dresses and pregnant bellies and sisterly bonds and strong female lineage are now shifting and changing into something new.  With that there is pain and sadness and confusion and that is completely natural.  

For SOFFAs, grieving the loss of what might have been 

must happen in order to fully and truly accept the process.

Slow Down.

Today is the first day I have felt overwhelm.  I'm good at being strong, good at being supportive, good at finding information and solutions and ways to understand.  I'm not so good at struggle.

Although my journey looks very different from his, it is no less real and it is not going to be easy.  He is transitioning, I am transitioning, we are transitioning.  Today I was supposed to attend a symposium on gender identity & trans issues.  I would have had to go alone and I wasn't ready to enter the space.

First, when I got dressed this morning I was wearing a dress, tights, and I curled my hair.  When I looked in the mirror I became aware of the potential for judgement.  Being femme in a queer environment can be challenging, and in this case I jumped to the question others might have..."what is this straight, cis woman doing here?" Without my partner by my side, I become invisible in the conversation.

Although I am not transgender, I am in the middle of a huge process and gender and transitioning has become the center of most conversations and free time.  Research, google, books, movies, lectures, my work, conversations with friends & my partner...  I'm breathing it, living it.

Today I'm going to stop and relax.  I have plans to take a walk outside, sip coffee, read books that do not mention gender, watch some shows on Hulu, talk to friends on the phone...reconnect with myself.  I need to maintain a space for myself....take time to breathe.