John just got a new job. On his first day of work, John is called Tom by everyone he meets. "Hello, my name is John." "Nice to meet you, Tom." At first John lets it slide. "Maybe they just mixed it up this one time," he thinks to himself, "surely they'll get it right soon." After a while it becomes more and more frustrating.
John has had enough! He says, "Hey, my name is John! Please do not call me Tom anymore."
Some people hear John, some even say that they'll try their best...but ultimately most people continue to say things like this...
"I know you as Tom and it would just be too confusing to change it now."
"Tom, you understand right? Nothing personal."
"You look more like a Tom anyway, John doesn't really suit you."
"I'm already used to calling you Tom and it would be too confusing to change now."
"Don't make a big deal out of nothing, Tom."
"Oops, sorry, Tom. I forgot. I'll totally remember next time."
No. This would not be tolerated. If someone was calling me the wrong name repeatedly I would get angry and exhausted and sad and I would eventually shut down. It doesn't matter why the people are doing it or whether or not they're meaning to do harm...it only matters that I am now in pain and feel unseen and unheard.
Truth is, cisgender people have rarely had to question what it means to be cisgender. I tried to think of a similar scenario would help cis people get it and this is all I could come up with. The bottom line is simple...I have to make a conscious choice to be respectful and deliberate about using the correct pronoun with the people in my life . I have become more aware of my own use of gender in language so I am now better equipped to make less assumptions and be more open with everyone, not just trans people (or people I assume to be trans).
Make mistakes. Be brave. Apologize. Ask for guidance. Ask how you can support. Start over.
John has had enough! He says, "Hey, my name is John! Please do not call me Tom anymore."
Some people hear John, some even say that they'll try their best...but ultimately most people continue to say things like this...
"I know you as Tom and it would just be too confusing to change it now."
"Tom, you understand right? Nothing personal."
"You look more like a Tom anyway, John doesn't really suit you."
"I'm already used to calling you Tom and it would be too confusing to change now."
"Don't make a big deal out of nothing, Tom."
"Oops, sorry, Tom. I forgot. I'll totally remember next time."
No. This would not be tolerated. If someone was calling me the wrong name repeatedly I would get angry and exhausted and sad and I would eventually shut down. It doesn't matter why the people are doing it or whether or not they're meaning to do harm...it only matters that I am now in pain and feel unseen and unheard.
Truth is, cisgender people have rarely had to question what it means to be cisgender. I tried to think of a similar scenario would help cis people get it and this is all I could come up with. The bottom line is simple...I have to make a conscious choice to be respectful and deliberate about using the correct pronoun with the people in my life . I have become more aware of my own use of gender in language so I am now better equipped to make less assumptions and be more open with everyone, not just trans people (or people I assume to be trans).
Make mistakes. Be brave. Apologize. Ask for guidance. Ask how you can support. Start over.
I appreciate this story. It's a helpful way to talk about pronouns for someone who is genderqueer to some of the less queer-friendly people in my life. I always appreciate a reframe. I also want to thank you for writing this blog. It's endearing to read about your relationship as your "person" transitions. I'm sure it's a fulfilling way to figure out some of the questions that might be coming up for you and facilitate healthy conversations between you both. I know it will do that for others!
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