He/Him/His & She/Her/Hers are not the only options. That's right, there is language beyond the gender binary. They/Them/Their is one choice of an alternative for trans people who do not wish to use gendered pronouns.
Sometimes it may feel counter-intuitive for a cis person to utilize They/Them/Their. Typical responses I've heard to this request are...
1. But it's plural.
2. That is grammatically incorrect.
3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to
My responses to this...
1. But that's plural. True, it may be used as plural but there are times when we use "their" when referring to a single person. For instance, if you see a backpack left on the bus which is not easily identifiable as belonging to someone of a particular gender you would likely say, "Someone left their backpack." It's not incorrect, cis people just don't use it that often because we are so accustomed to gendered language.
2. That is grammatically incorrect. It is OK to change a sentence to be "correct". Swapping "Is he coming tonight?" with "Is they coming tonight?" would be incorrect. You're allowed to make other subtle changes and say "Are they coming tonight?". This ultimately comes back to the plural sound being "weird" or confusing for cis people.
3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to. Nope. Sorry, not an option. Yes, you may be used to calling someone he or she but does your comfort outweigh their discomfort when you use language that they do not identify with? It can be invalidating, painful, and silencing when people use pronouns that do not reflect the person that's being spoken about or to.
And because I do not believe in fixing what is not broken, I would like to share these succinct and helpful tips for respecting another person's pronoun:
Pronoun Etiquette
(written by Dean Spade) via Sylvia Rivera Law Project
People often wonder how to be polite when it comes to problems of misidentifying another person’s pronoun. Here are some general tips:
1. If you make a mistake, correct yourself. Going on as if it did not happen is actually less respectful than making the correction. This also saves the person who was misidentified from having to correct an incorrect pronoun assumption that has now been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.
2. If someone else makes a mistake, correct them. It is polite to provide a correction, whether or not the person whose pronoun as misused is present, in order to avoid future mistakes and in order to correct the mistaken assumption that might now have been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.
3. If you aren’t sure of a person’s pronoun, ask. One way to do this is by sharing your own. “I use masculine pronouns. I want to make sure to address you correctly, how do you like to be addressed?” This may seem like a strange thing to do but a person who often experiences being addressed incorrectly may see it as a sign of respect that you are interested in getting it right.
4. When facilitating a group discussion, ask people to identify their pronouns when they go around and do introductions. This will allow everyone in the room the chance to self-identify and to get each others’ pronouns right the first time. It will also reduce the burden on anyone whose pronoun is often misidentified and may help them access the discussion more easily because they do not have to fear an embarrassing mistake.
Sometimes it may feel counter-intuitive for a cis person to utilize They/Them/Their. Typical responses I've heard to this request are...
1. But it's plural.
2. That is grammatically incorrect.
3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to
My responses to this...
1. But that's plural. True, it may be used as plural but there are times when we use "their" when referring to a single person. For instance, if you see a backpack left on the bus which is not easily identifiable as belonging to someone of a particular gender you would likely say, "Someone left their backpack." It's not incorrect, cis people just don't use it that often because we are so accustomed to gendered language.
2. That is grammatically incorrect. It is OK to change a sentence to be "correct". Swapping "Is he coming tonight?" with "Is they coming tonight?" would be incorrect. You're allowed to make other subtle changes and say "Are they coming tonight?". This ultimately comes back to the plural sound being "weird" or confusing for cis people.
3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to. Nope. Sorry, not an option. Yes, you may be used to calling someone he or she but does your comfort outweigh their discomfort when you use language that they do not identify with? It can be invalidating, painful, and silencing when people use pronouns that do not reflect the person that's being spoken about or to.
And because I do not believe in fixing what is not broken, I would like to share these succinct and helpful tips for respecting another person's pronoun:
Pronoun Etiquette
(written by Dean Spade) via Sylvia Rivera Law Project
People often wonder how to be polite when it comes to problems of misidentifying another person’s pronoun. Here are some general tips:
1. If you make a mistake, correct yourself. Going on as if it did not happen is actually less respectful than making the correction. This also saves the person who was misidentified from having to correct an incorrect pronoun assumption that has now been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.
2. If someone else makes a mistake, correct them. It is polite to provide a correction, whether or not the person whose pronoun as misused is present, in order to avoid future mistakes and in order to correct the mistaken assumption that might now have been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.
3. If you aren’t sure of a person’s pronoun, ask. One way to do this is by sharing your own. “I use masculine pronouns. I want to make sure to address you correctly, how do you like to be addressed?” This may seem like a strange thing to do but a person who often experiences being addressed incorrectly may see it as a sign of respect that you are interested in getting it right.
4. When facilitating a group discussion, ask people to identify their pronouns when they go around and do introductions. This will allow everyone in the room the chance to self-identify and to get each others’ pronouns right the first time. It will also reduce the burden on anyone whose pronoun is often misidentified and may help them access the discussion more easily because they do not have to fear an embarrassing mistake.
No comments:
Post a Comment