Break it Down.

I am a visual person.  I have had this visual in my head for weeks and finally decided to create it.  I think things get complicated when examining gender and sexuality.  I want to identify that gender identity, sexual orientation and relationship style are obviously related but are very separate things.

Click on the image to make it larger (and notice your own assumptions about the gender of each figure ... even my partner said "why did you make the last couple straight?" and I said, "I didn't. That's us."

1. Gender - How I intrinsically relate to masculinity & femininity.  One's gender identity may or may not fit into the gender binary of "boy" or "girl" & it can be fluid over time. A person's gender identity does not always correspond with the sex that is assigned at birth based on chromosomes, hormones & genitals. 

Examples (taken from definitions list) - Transgender, Cisgender, Genderqueer, etc.

 

2. Sexual Orientation - Intellectual, emotional and/or sexual attraction to others of the same or different gender identity.  This is not defined by gender identity or relationship practices and may change over time.

For example, a bisexual woman does not become straight if she is in relationship with a man - her sexual orientation remains the same - she may currently choose to be in a monogamous relationship with one person who happens to be a man.  (At least this is true for me, this may not be true for others)

Sexual orientation and gender are both intrinsic senses of self - a person's gender identity does not determine their sexuality or vice versa.  There are no limits to the way individuals may express their gender identity or their sexual orientation - it all comes down to how that person feels.

Examples (taken from definitions list) - Lesbian, Heterosexual, Bisexual, etc.

 

3. Relationships - How a person chooses to make contact with people they are attracted to. This may include one partner, multiple partners, or no partners and it may or may not include sexual behavior.  A person's relationship choices do not reflect their sexual orientation or gender identity in any way.

Examples - Monogamy, Polyamory, Non-Monogamy, etc.

Pronouns - They/Them/Theirs

He/Him/His & She/Her/Hers are not the only options.  That's right, there is language beyond the gender binary.  They/Them/Their is one choice of an alternative for trans people who do not wish to use gendered pronouns. 

Sometimes it may feel counter-intuitive for a cis person to utilize They/Them/Their.  Typical responses I've heard to this request are...
1. But it's plural.
2. That is grammatically incorrect.
3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to

My responses to this...
1. But that's plural.  True, it may be used as plural but there are times when we use "their" when referring to a single person.  For instance, if you see a backpack left on the bus which is not easily identifiable as belonging to someone of a particular gender you would likely say, "Someone left their backpack."  It's not incorrect, cis people just don't use it that often because we are so accustomed to gendered language.

2. That is grammatically incorrect.  It is OK to change a sentence to be "correct".  Swapping "Is he coming tonight?" with "Is they coming tonight?" would be incorrect.  You're allowed to make other subtle changes and say "Are they coming tonight?".  This ultimately comes back to the plural sound being "weird" or confusing for cis people.

3. I don't get it, I'll just use he/she because that's what I'm used to.  Nope.  Sorry, not an option.  Yes, you may be used to calling someone he or she but does your comfort outweigh their discomfort when you use language that they do not identify with?  It can be invalidating, painful, and silencing when people use pronouns that do not reflect the person that's being spoken about or to. 

And because I do not believe in fixing what is not broken, I would like to share these succinct and helpful tips for respecting another person's pronoun:

Pronoun Etiquette
(written by Dean Spade) via Sylvia Rivera Law Project

People often wonder how to be polite when it comes to problems of misidentifying another person’s pronoun. Here are some general tips:
1. If you make a mistake, correct yourself. Going on as if it did not happen is actually less respectful than making the correction. This also saves the person who was misidentified from having to correct an incorrect pronoun assumption that has now been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.

2. If someone else makes a mistake, correct them. It is polite to provide a correction, whether or not the person whose pronoun as misused is present, in order to avoid future mistakes and in order to correct the mistaken assumption that might now have been planted in the minds of any other participants in the conversation who heard the mistake.

3. If you aren’t sure of a person’s pronoun, ask. One way to do this is by sharing your own. “I use masculine pronouns. I want to make sure to address you correctly, how do you like to be addressed?” This may seem like a strange thing to do but a person who often experiences being addressed incorrectly may see it as a sign of respect that you are interested in getting it right.

4. When facilitating a group discussion, ask people to identify their pronouns when they go around and do introductions. This will allow everyone in the room the chance to self-identify and to get each others’ pronouns right the first time. It will also reduce the burden on anyone whose pronoun is often misidentified and may help them access the discussion more easily because they do not have to fear an embarrassing mistake.

So...what do I call you?

From the beginning of our relationship there was a lot of discussions around language.  My partner didn't like female pronouns and preferred "they" for the majority of our relationship [Now my partner is going with male pronouns but we'll get to that in a minute].  As a femme cis female it was quickly obvious that the word "girlfriend" could fit.  For my gender non-conforming companion we needed to get more creative...

My person, Steady, Queerfriend, [insert name]friend, Boifriend, Constant, Current...Companion sounded too platonic. Lover seemed explicit/cheesy. Mate seemed like a primitive/biology word.  Boyfriend and girlfriend seem kind of for grown adults.  My honey or sweetie are no good (barf).  Partner sounded so official or serious (like we might as well buy a mini-van and have a couple of kids) to use early on in our relationship. 

Ultimately we decided on me being the "girlfriend" and them being...their name or...err...my partner.  That still somewhat uncomfortable decision was based solely on not having a better alternative AND wanting the simplest, easiest choice when interacting with new people (particularly hetero/cis people with no reference for queer identities).  Now we're about to move in together and we're happily committed to each other so it's a little easier to use "serious" relationship language like "my love".

*Now there's a whole new dilemma. 

I found this fabulous post that completely summed up what I was feeling when I was originally looking for words for my sweetie pie (gag).  Terms and Conditions: When a Cis Woman Dates a Trans Man.  At the time we were operating outside of the gender binary because my partner wasn't using gendered pronouns.

Now my partner dresses masculinely, is using male pronouns, and is trying on a male name.  The way I talk about my partner, the way I describe them, all of the gendered words that I put out there are up for interpretation.  As the article says, "for queer people it can feel like a choice between being in the closet or out."

BF and GF (especially GF) feel, as my person points out, prescriptive. Visions of Rory Gilmore dance in my head. And with all gender-specific terms (beau? lover boy? gentleman caller?) there’s the invisibility problem. I casually mention my boyfriend and suddenly I’m straight. Is that so terrible? Well, it makes me feel like I’m hiding my queerness — like I’m retreating into the closet. Even someone who meets me in a queer context might well assume from that word that I’m in a straight relationship. The people I meet in the rest of my life almost certainly will. “Boyfriend” and its ilk also elide part of his identity. He wants people to respect his gender (by using the right pronouns and so forth), but his ultimate goal isn’t for everyone to think he’s a cis boy. For many of the same reasons I want to be recognized as queer, to know that my identity and experiences aren’t buried beneath a heap of assumptions, he usually wants to be recognized as genderqueer. But it feels absurd—and absurdly insistent on my queerness—to talk about “my trans boyfriend,” or “my boyfriend, who’s trans,” or whatever other cumbersome construction I could invent.

I highly recommend checking out the rest of her post...and would gladly open up comments for discussion on alternative uses or views on partner language.

p.s. I have written the word "partner" on this site far too much already.  Homeslice needs a code name.