So...what do I call you?

From the beginning of our relationship there was a lot of discussions around language.  My partner didn't like female pronouns and preferred "they" for the majority of our relationship [Now my partner is going with male pronouns but we'll get to that in a minute].  As a femme cis female it was quickly obvious that the word "girlfriend" could fit.  For my gender non-conforming companion we needed to get more creative...

My person, Steady, Queerfriend, [insert name]friend, Boifriend, Constant, Current...Companion sounded too platonic. Lover seemed explicit/cheesy. Mate seemed like a primitive/biology word.  Boyfriend and girlfriend seem kind of for grown adults.  My honey or sweetie are no good (barf).  Partner sounded so official or serious (like we might as well buy a mini-van and have a couple of kids) to use early on in our relationship. 

Ultimately we decided on me being the "girlfriend" and them being...their name or...err...my partner.  That still somewhat uncomfortable decision was based solely on not having a better alternative AND wanting the simplest, easiest choice when interacting with new people (particularly hetero/cis people with no reference for queer identities).  Now we're about to move in together and we're happily committed to each other so it's a little easier to use "serious" relationship language like "my love".

*Now there's a whole new dilemma. 

I found this fabulous post that completely summed up what I was feeling when I was originally looking for words for my sweetie pie (gag).  Terms and Conditions: When a Cis Woman Dates a Trans Man.  At the time we were operating outside of the gender binary because my partner wasn't using gendered pronouns.

Now my partner dresses masculinely, is using male pronouns, and is trying on a male name.  The way I talk about my partner, the way I describe them, all of the gendered words that I put out there are up for interpretation.  As the article says, "for queer people it can feel like a choice between being in the closet or out."

BF and GF (especially GF) feel, as my person points out, prescriptive. Visions of Rory Gilmore dance in my head. And with all gender-specific terms (beau? lover boy? gentleman caller?) there’s the invisibility problem. I casually mention my boyfriend and suddenly I’m straight. Is that so terrible? Well, it makes me feel like I’m hiding my queerness — like I’m retreating into the closet. Even someone who meets me in a queer context might well assume from that word that I’m in a straight relationship. The people I meet in the rest of my life almost certainly will. “Boyfriend” and its ilk also elide part of his identity. He wants people to respect his gender (by using the right pronouns and so forth), but his ultimate goal isn’t for everyone to think he’s a cis boy. For many of the same reasons I want to be recognized as queer, to know that my identity and experiences aren’t buried beneath a heap of assumptions, he usually wants to be recognized as genderqueer. But it feels absurd—and absurdly insistent on my queerness—to talk about “my trans boyfriend,” or “my boyfriend, who’s trans,” or whatever other cumbersome construction I could invent.

I highly recommend checking out the rest of her post...and would gladly open up comments for discussion on alternative uses or views on partner language.

p.s. I have written the word "partner" on this site far too much already.  Homeslice needs a code name.